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virgomoonmaking a list to refer to later, and also so that i don't forget the things i am in love with right now.
- utena fic. i read a juri/that locket girl fic, and it was so insane. i definitely did not understand a few references, but just the vibe of the fic... anyway, first arc was a little meh, but we are watching (clown and i) the second arc right now, and the intensity of everything is notched up, which makes things clearer, and also... heavy. a little unbelievable. i am loving what i am watching and i also want to look away from what i am watching.
- i signed up for a 1D inspired svt ficfest let's see how that pans out.
- really!!! want to write the queen's thief fic. i want to, but i know getting the voice right is neigh on impossible a task. have to finish reading first though.
- was reading tgcf in november and going insane, have to resume, and also, write a fic! i just want to! i think some things in the universe needed expanding on, and i intend to expand. later. have to re-read first two books before proceeding though.
- haven't published a gsnk fic yet but i rewatched it recently and i've already written this in another post, but gsnk fic!!!!!!!
- i applied to a zine... the 20th anniv ouran zine. they are only taking five fucking authors though, who does that? WHY ONLY FIVE? anyway, if it works out, i will be involved in a fandom zine... something i have been vociferously critical of on my main twitter acc mostly because i hate how costly they are. i am not saying they should be given away for free, i just think they are so inaccessible. and maybe that IS the point, not everyone should have access to everything, certain efforts deserve more merit than others and in remunerative form. i don't knowwwww. thinking about money stuff has been so weird lately. BUT ANYWAY OURAN ZINE. i hate publicity i don't want to be publicly called upon. we shall see. if all goes well i will be rejected. but i kind of don't want to be because one of my favourite fanartists will definitely be participating as well.
- ouran giftfic... well.
- ace attorney fic!! or ace attorney-ouran crossover fic.
- kind of want to write a kinou nani tabeta fic. we shall see
- chihayafuru fic still a concept i want to fulfil.
[will update later!]
musings!
recently i made a huge thread on twitter about missing early internet. and then i was reading something... what was it... oh yeah, i was trying to find r. k. lakshman's satirical essay "how to write an indian novel". and i ended up coming across a very meticulous blog instead of this woman from bangalore who had written a really funny post about indian writing in english. and i just. really find it so fascinating that this breed that kanan gill used to belong to/joke about, existed in blogs and these online spaces back then. they are so opinionated and funny and according to them, arundhati roy is already old news. which she is. i just forget it all the time.
i don't knowwww. i really like feeling the passage of time on the internet like this, because as it is i've grown up on the internet. all of my knowledge is derived from there. i don't even feel that i have engaged in any institution (besides the last school i was in for high school) that has enriched me personally in any way that the internet hasn't. my book recs, my thoughts, my media. my friends, even, sometimes? and i don't think any of my professors currently (i have a lot of negative feelings/thoughts for most of them) can teach me something that the internet cannot. which is such a bad thought to have, except it is true. no one will tell me arundhati roy is old news, i will have to learn that myself, interacting with others or reading what others have to say.
i really should have gone to south india for college. well whatever, i love finding traces of people on the internet. whenever i use a website that's falling apart, archived, on its death bed, i feel a rush of joy. i really love feeling history like this. for that matter, i love history. we are back at the place we used to live in earlier right now, as i write this, and i found out so many niche details about my family i didn't know before? it makes me feel. like i'm part of society. i feel so untethered all the time. i feel so unreal, like i'm not a person, like when my dad says "why do you have a driving license when you can't drive" (i've forgotten) i think of how i wonder all the time, why don't big trucks just trample little cars. i think about that a lot. driving feels unreal to me, and i feel unsafe at the wheel, as if i'm going to kill someone. besides that indian roads are just scary to me. so. but i think of how this feeling about driving also underscores how untethered i am to anything and everything. things don't feel like they have consequences. i used to be the same way in school, but at least there things had direct consequences very soon. and that kind of pressure kept me working. as an adult sponsored by her parents, i feel untethered a lot. even when there was no pandemic. it was difficult to not get tired and just have everything glaze by. although i was living then. truly. i was going out and doing things and feeling intensely aware of being alive.
my friends do this thing that annoys me a lot. they use the cliche "you don't know the worth of something until it passes you by" and it makes me mad internally because i do know. i think about things like the passage of time and relationships a lot. i might not know how to value things and treasure them properly, but i know that the moment i spend with a friend drinking overpriced coffee and then cheap fastfood will stay with me in some form for a long, long time. partly this is because my brain doesn't allow me to go out that much, to have fun. mostly this is because i will never forget the kurt vonnegut anecdote where he talks of his uncle lying in the sun drinking some kind of drink, suddenly turning to him and going, "isn't this nice?" reading that anecdote was such a shock to the system, as if i'd been recognized in text. which happens rarely these days. there's too much recognition everywhere. anyway, i am always thinking "isn't this nice?" when i eat something nice, when i meet someone i love, when my sister does something nice for me. partly this is because i don't think of the future enough, i live in the day. and there's nothing wrong with that, it's just... i don't know.
this post is ONCE AGAIN so personal and weird and gahhhhh. i am sorry to anyone who follows me and reads these and i truly hope and half-believe no one does.
- utena fic. i read a juri/that locket girl fic, and it was so insane. i definitely did not understand a few references, but just the vibe of the fic... anyway, first arc was a little meh, but we are watching (clown and i) the second arc right now, and the intensity of everything is notched up, which makes things clearer, and also... heavy. a little unbelievable. i am loving what i am watching and i also want to look away from what i am watching.
- i signed up for a 1D inspired svt ficfest let's see how that pans out.
- really!!! want to write the queen's thief fic. i want to, but i know getting the voice right is neigh on impossible a task. have to finish reading first though.
- was reading tgcf in november and going insane, have to resume, and also, write a fic! i just want to! i think some things in the universe needed expanding on, and i intend to expand. later. have to re-read first two books before proceeding though.
- haven't published a gsnk fic yet but i rewatched it recently and i've already written this in another post, but gsnk fic!!!!!!!
- i applied to a zine... the 20th anniv ouran zine. they are only taking five fucking authors though, who does that? WHY ONLY FIVE? anyway, if it works out, i will be involved in a fandom zine... something i have been vociferously critical of on my main twitter acc mostly because i hate how costly they are. i am not saying they should be given away for free, i just think they are so inaccessible. and maybe that IS the point, not everyone should have access to everything, certain efforts deserve more merit than others and in remunerative form. i don't knowwwww. thinking about money stuff has been so weird lately. BUT ANYWAY OURAN ZINE. i hate publicity i don't want to be publicly called upon. we shall see. if all goes well i will be rejected. but i kind of don't want to be because one of my favourite fanartists will definitely be participating as well.
- ouran giftfic... well.
- ace attorney fic!! or ace attorney-ouran crossover fic.
- kind of want to write a kinou nani tabeta fic. we shall see
- chihayafuru fic still a concept i want to fulfil.
[will update later!]
musings!
recently i made a huge thread on twitter about missing early internet. and then i was reading something... what was it... oh yeah, i was trying to find r. k. lakshman's satirical essay "how to write an indian novel". and i ended up coming across a very meticulous blog instead of this woman from bangalore who had written a really funny post about indian writing in english. and i just. really find it so fascinating that this breed that kanan gill used to belong to/joke about, existed in blogs and these online spaces back then. they are so opinionated and funny and according to them, arundhati roy is already old news. which she is. i just forget it all the time.
i don't knowwww. i really like feeling the passage of time on the internet like this, because as it is i've grown up on the internet. all of my knowledge is derived from there. i don't even feel that i have engaged in any institution (besides the last school i was in for high school) that has enriched me personally in any way that the internet hasn't. my book recs, my thoughts, my media. my friends, even, sometimes? and i don't think any of my professors currently (i have a lot of negative feelings/thoughts for most of them) can teach me something that the internet cannot. which is such a bad thought to have, except it is true. no one will tell me arundhati roy is old news, i will have to learn that myself, interacting with others or reading what others have to say.
i really should have gone to south india for college. well whatever, i love finding traces of people on the internet. whenever i use a website that's falling apart, archived, on its death bed, i feel a rush of joy. i really love feeling history like this. for that matter, i love history. we are back at the place we used to live in earlier right now, as i write this, and i found out so many niche details about my family i didn't know before? it makes me feel. like i'm part of society. i feel so untethered all the time. i feel so unreal, like i'm not a person, like when my dad says "why do you have a driving license when you can't drive" (i've forgotten) i think of how i wonder all the time, why don't big trucks just trample little cars. i think about that a lot. driving feels unreal to me, and i feel unsafe at the wheel, as if i'm going to kill someone. besides that indian roads are just scary to me. so. but i think of how this feeling about driving also underscores how untethered i am to anything and everything. things don't feel like they have consequences. i used to be the same way in school, but at least there things had direct consequences very soon. and that kind of pressure kept me working. as an adult sponsored by her parents, i feel untethered a lot. even when there was no pandemic. it was difficult to not get tired and just have everything glaze by. although i was living then. truly. i was going out and doing things and feeling intensely aware of being alive.
my friends do this thing that annoys me a lot. they use the cliche "you don't know the worth of something until it passes you by" and it makes me mad internally because i do know. i think about things like the passage of time and relationships a lot. i might not know how to value things and treasure them properly, but i know that the moment i spend with a friend drinking overpriced coffee and then cheap fastfood will stay with me in some form for a long, long time. partly this is because my brain doesn't allow me to go out that much, to have fun. mostly this is because i will never forget the kurt vonnegut anecdote where he talks of his uncle lying in the sun drinking some kind of drink, suddenly turning to him and going, "isn't this nice?" reading that anecdote was such a shock to the system, as if i'd been recognized in text. which happens rarely these days. there's too much recognition everywhere. anyway, i am always thinking "isn't this nice?" when i eat something nice, when i meet someone i love, when my sister does something nice for me. partly this is because i don't think of the future enough, i live in the day. and there's nothing wrong with that, it's just... i don't know.
this post is ONCE AGAIN so personal and weird and gahhhhh. i am sorry to anyone who follows me and reads these and i truly hope and half-believe no one does.
