not even the rain has such small hands
Apr. 17th, 2023 09:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
virgomoonfor lots of reasons my life has changed while remaining the exact same. it's that tumblr post i saw and then lost my mind over, you're the exact same but a process has occurred. things i was always unsatisfied with have been more or less dealt with, and there still remain so many things that i'm unsatisfied with that have to change. i'll do all of that. what's funny to me is the stuff people use to feel better and twitter and instagram and all of these places looked like places people were constantly using to feel better. even while putting their misery up for display, it was and is about being witnessed in your pain, maggie nelson talks about this,
“Eventually I confess to a friend some details about my weeping—its intensity, its frequency. She says (kindly) that she thinks we sometimes weep in front of a mirror not to inflame self-pity, but because we want to feel witnessed in our despair. (Can a reflection be a witness? Can one pass oneself the sponge wet with vinegar from a reed?)”
or your joy, or to talk of the nice things, or to have people look at what niceness exists in your life. joy is not meant to be little, it's supposed to be loud, it's supposed to paint the whole town.
often i have felt like i couldn't paint the whole town, and i've resented that. i've resented being made to feel like this. i've also treasured my pain, as much as my joy, and tried to turn it to words that will be seen and heard.
overall i've realized anything that you love will undergo some form of corruption, will be colluded with somehow, and it will emerge strange, like a new morning, and you'll have to see it in a new light. if you still love it, and you probably will, then that's that. pick up the pieces and carry on. i've learnt so much about myself, mostly that i'm a huge pushover and can't insist on things, while at the same time being blindingly, absolutely, utterly selfish. i dunno how someone can inhabit both polarities man, but if anyone can it sure is me. by pushover i mean i love accommodation to the point that its probably untenable to me, but at the same time i am a lot, i am so much, so whats being tamed is just a lot.
sorry for being vague!!!!!!!! i can't talk in any other mode except abject vagueness. basically i feel so strange about friendships and fandom and life and i hate that i'm such a romantic fool at heart and that things just keep changing. growing pains! i talk about social media putting your life on display and how much i hate it, but what the fuck am i doing here man? its all about controlled exposure, or sometimes about lighting your candle on both ends. i'm lighting it on both ends. i want to be witnessed. i can't believe childhood is over.
“Eventually I confess to a friend some details about my weeping—its intensity, its frequency. She says (kindly) that she thinks we sometimes weep in front of a mirror not to inflame self-pity, but because we want to feel witnessed in our despair. (Can a reflection be a witness? Can one pass oneself the sponge wet with vinegar from a reed?)”
or your joy, or to talk of the nice things, or to have people look at what niceness exists in your life. joy is not meant to be little, it's supposed to be loud, it's supposed to paint the whole town.
often i have felt like i couldn't paint the whole town, and i've resented that. i've resented being made to feel like this. i've also treasured my pain, as much as my joy, and tried to turn it to words that will be seen and heard.
overall i've realized anything that you love will undergo some form of corruption, will be colluded with somehow, and it will emerge strange, like a new morning, and you'll have to see it in a new light. if you still love it, and you probably will, then that's that. pick up the pieces and carry on. i've learnt so much about myself, mostly that i'm a huge pushover and can't insist on things, while at the same time being blindingly, absolutely, utterly selfish. i dunno how someone can inhabit both polarities man, but if anyone can it sure is me. by pushover i mean i love accommodation to the point that its probably untenable to me, but at the same time i am a lot, i am so much, so whats being tamed is just a lot.
sorry for being vague!!!!!!!! i can't talk in any other mode except abject vagueness. basically i feel so strange about friendships and fandom and life and i hate that i'm such a romantic fool at heart and that things just keep changing. growing pains! i talk about social media putting your life on display and how much i hate it, but what the fuck am i doing here man? its all about controlled exposure, or sometimes about lighting your candle on both ends. i'm lighting it on both ends. i want to be witnessed. i can't believe childhood is over.
