[journal] reflections
Aug. 8th, 2023 03:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
virgomoonI've been out of my house for two months now and it keeps dawning on me how incredibly nice it is to be by yourself from time to time. being your own person. being responsible for literally EVERYTHING that keeps you alive. yes, sure, it is tiring as fuck. yes sure i get grievously angry at my ex for having so many women around him that take care of him. then i remember how many women i have around me taking care of ME and i calm down. plus the fact that he is my closest friend and i can yell at him and he can be horrible to me and later we apologise and have a time-out and it's fine. IT'S FINE.
it is made easier by the fact that i enjoy this work so, so, so much. from the children who frequent the library to the network of people surrounding the space, especially the fact that most men are so incredibly nice and respectful and etcetera. the other day a kid gave me a gift, golden-wrapped with a bow on top of it and all. last month a kid who can barely speak drew me. last week two girls competed in drawing me. kids often point out gender essentialist things in a puzzled, "is the world this way?" manner, which still fucking hurts, but is okay, because i get to question their beliefs and they in turn learn about stuff. like hirsutism! and the fact that work shouldn't be gendered! that anyone can do anything! that you can express care for anyone without it being a Thing. we talk about sea turtles, and trees, and our favourite animals, and gosh. gosh. who knew being a community librarian is this tiring and taxing and amazing.
its scary to have an experience this overwhelming - it feels like i will never experience something this good and this transformative. and i know that is the exact same thought driving my heartbreak -- will never meet a person whose politics/personal/sexual/emotive qualities/values will align with mine, will never have an experience of such untrammeled freedom. i know that this isn't true, and i know that life is a lot and really long and despite the daily heartbreaks you go on living. i know. but as a person i am so driven by just the notion of more. it's not greed, it's just the belief that there's so much to do and you have to do it. it's like, the world is so big and there's so much at stake. you have to devote yourself to it. there's no other way. and also take care of yourself too, somehow.
stuck at home all i wanted to be wildly transformative like oikawa or hinata and now that i'm getting to be exactly that it gets overwhelming to think "hey, what if this stops?"
so much of life is driven by practical concerns of money. i cannot go on doing this work if my salary isn't increased, if my parents fall sick suddenly, if i fall sick suddenly, if this remote location continues to commercialize and drive the local populace farther and farther away from each other, the wedge of modernity widening the communal feeling. who knows! plus they keep on passing insanely dangerous laws in this country that make me so sick, no clue if i want to stay here and work to better things in a culture that will try to literally murder me if i speak up, or leave and be elsewhere, but i really don't want to be a librarian or an environmental worker in say, new zealand. or america. context is immense, and i love the context here, but every single day the higher ups here are dedicated to erasing context, recontextualizing in a bigoted light, and it's scary. it's scary to be alone.
plus now i have dreams. and friends. and also no friends. no clue how to explain this, i feel more connected and more alone than ever. everything i knew theoretically is coming true: i do feel more responsible than ever for things around me. and toni morrison was right, adulthood is a hard-won glory, and i'm going to be forever on my way there. and you have to make an effort to do things, to have things in your life, and i love that so much. soooo much. it really helps that the part of the country i am in right now is very, very friendly, and polite, and insane. everyone talks to everyone. the way they make small talk abroad, except here everyone takes a vital interest in your well-being. this is a village fast changing, and there is heartbreak here too.
i was right when i wrote here back in december that maybe all of next year i will stew in a feeling only to come to heartbreak. i knew then that a's heart lay elsewhere, i knew my dreams with him were all hollow for him, i knew i was alienating my friends, i knew i was getting nowhere. i was only talking to prapti and pinya and reading an inordinate amount of poetry and prose and manga. and occasionally watching heartrending movies.
life really is about so much change, and heartbreak, and beauty. people die or you lose people and trees are felled and the world goes on uncaring. what a privilege to experience the heart of things, the piths of people, to be amidst people constantly who care so much. and also to be a smart-aleck and watchout for gossip, bigmouths, complainers, etcetera. it's fun. it's a lot. i want this for the rest of my life.
this woman i've come to admire a lot and also briefly had an intense crush on told me "take time off in winter, don't try to push yourself to continue, you need to evaluate what you want in life" and she's right. i want to stay on here in the winter months but the temperatures here dip to minus 20 and minus 35 and buddy, i think i will die. sorry to the kids but it's fine, it's okay. i need to be better, and meet family, and friends, and i need to be away. and figure out how to make money and still do things i care about.
i'll wear a bomb ass saari and attend a wedding of a cousin i deplore and i'll visit gorgeous parks in Bangalore and i'll apply to a dozen things and get in nowhere and i'll read a fuckton and try to figure out if i wanna study more after all and i'll save up to do trips and i'll cook a fuckton for family and friends and it's fine. it'll be fine because now i know i am capable of so much more, theory is praxis, i know i want to touch grass now and forever, be in love with things and be heartbroken and down and out and also uplifted to incredible heights. now and forever.
also i think i should give up on the editing job/internship thing because just in this post i've shifted wildly between american and british english. fie fo fum.
it is made easier by the fact that i enjoy this work so, so, so much. from the children who frequent the library to the network of people surrounding the space, especially the fact that most men are so incredibly nice and respectful and etcetera. the other day a kid gave me a gift, golden-wrapped with a bow on top of it and all. last month a kid who can barely speak drew me. last week two girls competed in drawing me. kids often point out gender essentialist things in a puzzled, "is the world this way?" manner, which still fucking hurts, but is okay, because i get to question their beliefs and they in turn learn about stuff. like hirsutism! and the fact that work shouldn't be gendered! that anyone can do anything! that you can express care for anyone without it being a Thing. we talk about sea turtles, and trees, and our favourite animals, and gosh. gosh. who knew being a community librarian is this tiring and taxing and amazing.
its scary to have an experience this overwhelming - it feels like i will never experience something this good and this transformative. and i know that is the exact same thought driving my heartbreak -- will never meet a person whose politics/personal/sexual/emotive qualities/values will align with mine, will never have an experience of such untrammeled freedom. i know that this isn't true, and i know that life is a lot and really long and despite the daily heartbreaks you go on living. i know. but as a person i am so driven by just the notion of more. it's not greed, it's just the belief that there's so much to do and you have to do it. it's like, the world is so big and there's so much at stake. you have to devote yourself to it. there's no other way. and also take care of yourself too, somehow.
stuck at home all i wanted to be wildly transformative like oikawa or hinata and now that i'm getting to be exactly that it gets overwhelming to think "hey, what if this stops?"
so much of life is driven by practical concerns of money. i cannot go on doing this work if my salary isn't increased, if my parents fall sick suddenly, if i fall sick suddenly, if this remote location continues to commercialize and drive the local populace farther and farther away from each other, the wedge of modernity widening the communal feeling. who knows! plus they keep on passing insanely dangerous laws in this country that make me so sick, no clue if i want to stay here and work to better things in a culture that will try to literally murder me if i speak up, or leave and be elsewhere, but i really don't want to be a librarian or an environmental worker in say, new zealand. or america. context is immense, and i love the context here, but every single day the higher ups here are dedicated to erasing context, recontextualizing in a bigoted light, and it's scary. it's scary to be alone.
plus now i have dreams. and friends. and also no friends. no clue how to explain this, i feel more connected and more alone than ever. everything i knew theoretically is coming true: i do feel more responsible than ever for things around me. and toni morrison was right, adulthood is a hard-won glory, and i'm going to be forever on my way there. and you have to make an effort to do things, to have things in your life, and i love that so much. soooo much. it really helps that the part of the country i am in right now is very, very friendly, and polite, and insane. everyone talks to everyone. the way they make small talk abroad, except here everyone takes a vital interest in your well-being. this is a village fast changing, and there is heartbreak here too.
i was right when i wrote here back in december that maybe all of next year i will stew in a feeling only to come to heartbreak. i knew then that a's heart lay elsewhere, i knew my dreams with him were all hollow for him, i knew i was alienating my friends, i knew i was getting nowhere. i was only talking to prapti and pinya and reading an inordinate amount of poetry and prose and manga. and occasionally watching heartrending movies.
life really is about so much change, and heartbreak, and beauty. people die or you lose people and trees are felled and the world goes on uncaring. what a privilege to experience the heart of things, the piths of people, to be amidst people constantly who care so much. and also to be a smart-aleck and watchout for gossip, bigmouths, complainers, etcetera. it's fun. it's a lot. i want this for the rest of my life.
this woman i've come to admire a lot and also briefly had an intense crush on told me "take time off in winter, don't try to push yourself to continue, you need to evaluate what you want in life" and she's right. i want to stay on here in the winter months but the temperatures here dip to minus 20 and minus 35 and buddy, i think i will die. sorry to the kids but it's fine, it's okay. i need to be better, and meet family, and friends, and i need to be away. and figure out how to make money and still do things i care about.
i'll wear a bomb ass saari and attend a wedding of a cousin i deplore and i'll visit gorgeous parks in Bangalore and i'll apply to a dozen things and get in nowhere and i'll read a fuckton and try to figure out if i wanna study more after all and i'll save up to do trips and i'll cook a fuckton for family and friends and it's fine. it'll be fine because now i know i am capable of so much more, theory is praxis, i know i want to touch grass now and forever, be in love with things and be heartbroken and down and out and also uplifted to incredible heights. now and forever.
also i think i should give up on the editing job/internship thing because just in this post i've shifted wildly between american and british english. fie fo fum.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-10 02:27 pm (UTC)about the question of "what if this stops?" I've found it comforting that things in life happen in phases and seasons. no one can be in a state of growth all the time, and stagnancy doesn't last forever. i joke w friend from time to time about how "ah i need a ball boy arc" "i'm in a reap all the stuff ive sowed arc" etc etc etc but the arcs thing is somewhat true. of course there's the question of forces outside of our control, legislation, workplace restructurings, but at least as far as what we can do, the seasons and arcs and chapters im grateful for
no subject
Date: 2023-08-11 10:01 am (UTC)"theory is praxis, i know i want to touch grass now and forever" words to remember and live by