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virgomoonfeel like writing something here, feel like venting, but don't know how. putting things in words is very helpful but i don't know what to say! there's just too much going on!
i think because i've been dependent on haikyuu for so long i've started idealizing its pattern of growth and thinking obsessively over how characters i love live their lives, and how they inspire so much wonder, and how they remind me of real people i know who are similar, and how i want to live my life like that. not wishing to be a hero, but just wishing for a kinder life. and i suppose i do have that -- its just easy to not see it that way because as things stand, i'm signing up to stay at home for another two years! that will be, what, 13 years of living in this city. which is too many years. i can't even bring myself to love this place all the time, i always need a change of pace, a new set of eyes. but all that commuting and movement "to see different" also tires me out deeply. i dunno.
so while i want to be a hinata, or an oikawa, wildly transformative and breaking new ground and setting things and people ablaze, i'm most likely a kinoshita, a sugawara, an aone. which are great people to be! wish i was akaashi though. i think about kinoshita's "wanting to be a hero" because it's cool all the time. like, who doesn't want that? probably kita. but i know i randomly get fired up thinking i could be that cool literary kid hopping literary fests, conducting interviews with famous people, knowing Everything In The World. i know just enough to give the impression that i know a lot, but it's also easy for anyone to poke slighlty harder and figure out i know nothing at all!
we met this man a few days ago who kept insisting "it doesn't matter what your depth of knowledge is, you gotta present yourself in a way that's appealing to people" and i kept thinking about...how that wasn't wrong actually. of kanamori from eizouken, of twitter and how people follow each other based on "vibes" and what's perceivable on a surface level. marketing! and i thought whether i'd ever be able to market myself well, then remembering people already think i am a "reader" who "reads" a lot. i remain good at making people believe i carry more promise than i actually do. which is what separates me from others. not a yatora constantly perspiring but someone who comments on "how great is that yatora kid huh, wish i could be like that."
MAN. this is depressing. i have a mail sitting in my inbox which is definitely rejection, and if I am rejected any more i will become sad. granted that i haven't even received that many rejections as you hear stories of, "i was rejected 20 times before someone accepted me" blah blah. except each rejection hurts insanely because i apply to places i REALLY want and pour my heart out EMBARRASSINGLY and either i receive kind responses telling me gently to "apply later" or no response at all, which is worse. wow! this part about adulthood sucks! and these aren't even universities i'm applying to.
really grates my goat that my ex is at the uni i would kill to be in right now, if only because his timing is so good. REALLYYY grates my goat that the girl i'm platonic-romantic (swings on my mood really, and entirely one directional) in love with is definitely going to go to better places than this trap town and i want her to go but i'm going to be lonely! haha! sucks that friends! are! not focused on similar things but varying interests and things and how disgustingly MUCH i depend on them for my sense of self.
contending with the fact that living in an unrewarding unrepentant system, i have no sense of worth even though my pride flares up at times. and that everything is surface-level, ostentatious, apparent! as if only "depth" matters. contending with feeling weird all the time! contending with what is probably, arguably, the worse plague year!
instead of media round-up lists this is what i write on here. ugh. still better than venting on twitter, which is dangerous, i got good marks in (1) thing and i became euphoric and poured my HEART out on there, because apparently that is how low my self esteem is right now. parents are not helpful at all, obviously, because after the scare in this country they want me to just move on and do things regardless of whether the physical place is killing me.
i really am recoursing to kita right now, i love him so dearly much. taking each day as it comes and accumulating days, trying to add a little to each one.
i think because i've been dependent on haikyuu for so long i've started idealizing its pattern of growth and thinking obsessively over how characters i love live their lives, and how they inspire so much wonder, and how they remind me of real people i know who are similar, and how i want to live my life like that. not wishing to be a hero, but just wishing for a kinder life. and i suppose i do have that -- its just easy to not see it that way because as things stand, i'm signing up to stay at home for another two years! that will be, what, 13 years of living in this city. which is too many years. i can't even bring myself to love this place all the time, i always need a change of pace, a new set of eyes. but all that commuting and movement "to see different" also tires me out deeply. i dunno.
so while i want to be a hinata, or an oikawa, wildly transformative and breaking new ground and setting things and people ablaze, i'm most likely a kinoshita, a sugawara, an aone. which are great people to be! wish i was akaashi though. i think about kinoshita's "wanting to be a hero" because it's cool all the time. like, who doesn't want that? probably kita. but i know i randomly get fired up thinking i could be that cool literary kid hopping literary fests, conducting interviews with famous people, knowing Everything In The World. i know just enough to give the impression that i know a lot, but it's also easy for anyone to poke slighlty harder and figure out i know nothing at all!
we met this man a few days ago who kept insisting "it doesn't matter what your depth of knowledge is, you gotta present yourself in a way that's appealing to people" and i kept thinking about...how that wasn't wrong actually. of kanamori from eizouken, of twitter and how people follow each other based on "vibes" and what's perceivable on a surface level. marketing! and i thought whether i'd ever be able to market myself well, then remembering people already think i am a "reader" who "reads" a lot. i remain good at making people believe i carry more promise than i actually do. which is what separates me from others. not a yatora constantly perspiring but someone who comments on "how great is that yatora kid huh, wish i could be like that."
MAN. this is depressing. i have a mail sitting in my inbox which is definitely rejection, and if I am rejected any more i will become sad. granted that i haven't even received that many rejections as you hear stories of, "i was rejected 20 times before someone accepted me" blah blah. except each rejection hurts insanely because i apply to places i REALLY want and pour my heart out EMBARRASSINGLY and either i receive kind responses telling me gently to "apply later" or no response at all, which is worse. wow! this part about adulthood sucks! and these aren't even universities i'm applying to.
really grates my goat that my ex is at the uni i would kill to be in right now, if only because his timing is so good. REALLYYY grates my goat that the girl i'm platonic-romantic (swings on my mood really, and entirely one directional) in love with is definitely going to go to better places than this trap town and i want her to go but i'm going to be lonely! haha! sucks that friends! are! not focused on similar things but varying interests and things and how disgustingly MUCH i depend on them for my sense of self.
contending with the fact that living in an unrewarding unrepentant system, i have no sense of worth even though my pride flares up at times. and that everything is surface-level, ostentatious, apparent! as if only "depth" matters. contending with feeling weird all the time! contending with what is probably, arguably, the worse plague year!
instead of media round-up lists this is what i write on here. ugh. still better than venting on twitter, which is dangerous, i got good marks in (1) thing and i became euphoric and poured my HEART out on there, because apparently that is how low my self esteem is right now. parents are not helpful at all, obviously, because after the scare in this country they want me to just move on and do things regardless of whether the physical place is killing me.
i really am recoursing to kita right now, i love him so dearly much. taking each day as it comes and accumulating days, trying to add a little to each one.
